Exhale

I’m forcing myself to attempt this meditation thing. I’ve decided to commit a solid month to this daily practice.

With only a few days in, let me give a contemplative, beginner’s outlook so we have something to compare,and HOPEFULLY, contrast with later. In my true noob fashion, I’m completely out of my element and uncomfortable. Flustered, I physically shake my head with my eyes still pressed closed as I give in to the defeat that is my own chattering mind. The incessant mumblings of my internal voice never stop! I sit in awe as the voice chastens myself/itself for demanding silence! It’s the most ironically annoying argument I’ve ever had – and it’s with myself. There must be some secret willpower that I have not been genetically blessed with or maybe I’m just too frazzled and stand as a prime example of ADD in our generation.

Long story short, I hate mediation. (Thus far…)

I hate sitting still when I can be doing so much more with my time. I hate how easily I succumb to fidgeting. Persistent itches are about 100x more demanding when you’re attempting to stay still! (I think that’s a fact. Just saying.) Oh, and aside from the frustrations of not being able to put a lid on my thoughts, I’m also calling B.S. on all of the mediating world when it comes to tension release. I get cramped up so easily, whether laying down or sitting on a pile of pillows, that I feel the need to seek chiropractic care to crush the kinks out of me.

All of that said… I’m still going to keep trying everyday. Contrary to my angry retorts, the discomfort, the cramps, the distraction and the frustration are all elements of the meditation practice that most people experience. Creating the strength and focus to sit through all of these hauntings is the greatest achievement of meditation.

I’ll squirm in my discomfort, I’ll mentally rage as I practice shutting-up, and I’ll stay with this. Each day I’ll put anywhere from 5 minutes to 40 minutes keeping myself quiet. Looking inwards and taking whatever my body has to throw at me. If this is what it takes to commit to being more focused and controlled when it comes to mind wandering, then I’ll see it through. I owe it to myself to try to be the strongest I can be; physically and mentally.

Cheers to a year of keeping track.

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